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a long time running [Apr. 20th, 2010|02:56 am]
[mood |melancholymelancholy]
[music |Bob Dylan]

i had to get my thoughts out. I dont like writing. I'm part of that new age that can only type, its sad.

AT the moment:

i've been working in the same place and doing the same thing for maybe 3-4 years now. my pay slightly increases with the years but has no real correlation to the time, effort, and responsibility i put in. I've recently been transfered to another location for reasons that arnt quite clear. I personaly feel i'm just THAT guy who could be moved without a fight. Ive been taken out of a place i felt comfortable, relaxed, welcomed, and valued and put into something that has the same job title but i'm talked to like if i was an idiot. I know my job VERY well and its an insult for these ppl to attempt to talk to me like i'm a new hire.

I would start to plan to quite but i really dont know where to go. i feel that losing seniority in a job i put so much time into is just a waste. I worked SO INCREDIBLY HARD to get where i am... rather WAS. I dont know what to do or where to go..

After 2+ years with heather im finally alone. All those times we argued and all the times we didnt still linger. Saddly its those times i loved her more than anything that keep pulling on my heart strings. Its been about a month now and she had already found herself a new boy friend. One lesser in my opinion but really i saw this coming. She cant be alone. Me on the other hand, i'm here dealing feelings i loath. jealousy betrayal heartache.  the worst of it all is that i can always step outside myself and see this little ball of hate i have become and ask Why?  why the hell am i so angry? she cheated on me 5 times in 2 years, most recently was about 4 months ago and i called it. Im a fool. i wish i could hate her. i cant believe i miss her so much sometimes.  This, like most things, just takes time right? hopefully i can find some piece of mind in the near future, but for now i'm just that little ball.

Home has been irritating even though i'm not here as much. when i am, i am in my room vegetating. Escaping from my other responsibilities and feelings that plague me during the day. Lately i have no drive to go out anywhere or i always second guess myself, should i stay or should i go? My room is slowly moving to a constant chaos. It hasnt been clean for sometime. I dont put my bed back into a couch because i simply dont care. the furniture is a wreck. i have little thins that have no value to me strung about, stored randomly out of sight out of mind. somehow i'm waiting for that 1 piece to tie it all together and set it so i can use all the gifts i've gotten in the past years. For now, it just appears i am a slob and ungrateful.

Friends are still consistant. They are great ppl though the distance between me and THEM is increasing. The group that was in highschool together has no real place for me. they come they go, i can say hi or not and life could go on. I know they care, i know they would still back me with most things but the connection just seems weak and waning. Recently i found what heather to say about them somewhat true. Ridicule and chastisement can only go so far before someone takes it to heart. I know its a joke but really when is it enough? is there truth to it? why is it that i can still be constantly singled out amongst even the smallest of groups? Perhaps i'm too sensitive but who's to say. Its how they've been and how they will be.

School seems never ending. Everytime i commit to making myself proud of what i am doing something happens to my psyche and i lose motivation or simply get distracted. its not homework, its not difficult. i am simply lost and undecisive. I look around me, at others my age or ppl i might have grown up with and i can compare accomplishments. I have none to speak of that hold substantial merrit. I have no plaques i have to certificates, no degrees, no full time well paying job, no travel experience, no depth to my porfolio.

I simply dont know where i am going and even if i did have a destination, i wouldnt know how to get there or maintain it.


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(no subject) [Jan. 12th, 2010|04:38 pm]
i love my girlfriend heather....soooooo.....much.....
<3 shes beautiful
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Hamlet Where Are You? [Aug. 11th, 2006|06:22 pm]
[mood |draineddrained]
[music |Guster = One Man Recking Machine]

    This summer is one of the worst. I've had 2 eye infections, 1 throat infection, and several  stops at the doctor and emergency room. I feel unappretiated at work, for the knowledge i have and how long i have been there, yet i am repremanded for not soliciting and having poor attendence due to said ilnesses. One of the few things I have enjoyed at kohls was the friends i had made, but since I am missing days, my friendly work relationships have dwindled. I am lost as far as college goes. I have no goals or ambitions other than the fear of letting down family, friends, and ultimatly myself. My attempts to solve some of these problems have been nothing short of pure apathy. I really have no one to blame but my own lathargic ass. But hopefully some self reflecting on this good ol' LJ will do some enlightening.

Up sides? *shrug* There are alot. Lollapalooza was amazing. Spending time at poker tables and bowling allies. Dynamite guns? I still have yet to fully participate. But i'm excited. There's more, much more, its just hard to put it all down when you're tired.

"won't you help a brother out"

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The Unforgiving [Jul. 10th, 2006|01:22 am]
[mood |tiredStuck]
[music |Ratatat - Breaking Away]

My mouth runs dry with weightless words.
Leaving irrational apparitions of enjoyment

They smile to each other indirectly and with no enthusiasm
Rotating forty-five degrees every fifteen minutes
It is all they know and all they will ever know.

Vivid distractions of primal needs are essential.
Smile, turn, smile, turn…
Stern discipline, the strongest of wills and smallest of hearts

My empty words turn to iridescent eyes
Perhaps there they fall on to an open ear
            And smash the unforgiving

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(no subject) [Jun. 21st, 2006|02:18 am]
[mood |amusedamused]
[music |The Devics - Distant Radio]

Ricky, you have some splaaannning to do.... He tried to eat that cat. Filthy fuckin mexicans
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Its this thing i'm writing [May. 23rd, 2006|03:27 pm]
[mood |contentStarting again]
[music |Ratatat - Cherry]

Soon To Come...

        Sand in the Sun of Galapagos
    The Stars that Tear Open the Sea

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(no subject) [May. 10th, 2006|09:46 am]
[mood |dorkydorky]
[music |Jingla Jangle - hot hot heat]

"Remember, remember the fifth of November, gunpowder, treason, and plot. I see no reason why the gunpowder treason should be forgot.
Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes. Twas' his intent to blow the king and the parliament...

it starts"

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Please Save My Body From The Modern World [Apr. 25th, 2006|12:28 am]
[mood |amusedamused]
[music |Sonic The Hedgehog 2 - Sky Chase Zone]

Quivering from the furosity of my dreams
I punch with no feeling and feel with no remorse
Searching lives with no meaning and wading the river of time with no oar.

Now and then the reflections stare at me. Presenting only the gift of memory
The "Present" is a gift, the past is dead.

Winking only at the ghosts of untimely love and flirting with no one in particular.
I am hated for no great qualities, but for fearing my tears.

When there is nothing to live for, is there really nothing to lose?
Sorrow is precieved only by your eyes and guilted by your tears
The plumbing of you heart has a kink, swelling your chest till you can no longer breath.

Smile, dance, free your soul from thought.
Sometimes you just have to slap a bitch, just hope she doesn't bite back.

Relieved from the furosity of my dreams
I walk with new weght on my shoulders. What weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
Sometimes she says "Hello" but only with her eyes. Nothing says symbolism like the english language.

"If you wait, I will wait, taste, i will taste.
If you run, i will run, to my last breath."

Work is work, School is school and life is swell, i think. Most problems (like if i had any) are resolved or have faded.Whichever came first doesn't mattter to me. So long as they are gone. I can't wait for summer.

On other notes: Does one of these seem familiar to anyone?
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(no subject) [Apr. 7th, 2006|08:51 pm]
[mood |stressedShaken Like Micheal J Fox]
[music |Transplants - Diamonds and Guns]

Dear Diary, my teen-angst bullshit now has a body count.

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"...the present is a gift and i just want to be." [Mar. 24th, 2006|11:24 pm]
[mood |cynicalcynical]
[music |Common - Be]

    I need to yell at a couple people right now but livejournal and other sorts of computer interaction just seems too impersonal and simply won't due. Aside from me planning what i'm going to say to those individuals, life is swell... i think.  It seems like a calm before the storm type situation.

Oh this just in, I love my new dog but wow is she a  hassel sometimes. They say its just because she is a baby, i believe this to be true. But DEAR GOD!! Are all babies bad? i know human babies can be sons of bitches when they teeth, cry, etc. ; Just enough stress to make a british nanny want to shake the shit out of them. I'm finding this terrible baby syndrome to be constant in most young animals.
She is only 12 weeks old and though i hate the clean up, i don't ever want her to grow up.

Side note, lending out  Boondock Saints was a bad idea... i'd really love to sit and watch it while practicing my irish accent. Damn St.Patty's day.

Spring break, moves entirely too fast and so does the money our of my pocket. I'm starting to feel like i should become jewish just so i can be rich later in life. But then again, being part of the working class is fun! you never know  whats going to happen next, shit could just happen. I know, i got a T-shirt

Some things that are particularly making my life bliss...
    Soon there will be warm weather
    The Sun
    Common  and the thought of Lollapalooza
    Whisky (the dog)
    Ninja Gaiden *black - So challenging i can't put it down but i can't stop losing
    Work (Suprisingly) and looking for a new job
thats it... for now i think.

I feel like my oldself again  and with that, i'll leave you with this...

<--- Pick One ---> Ed
This is my friend Edmund Wright.
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(no subject) [Mar. 21st, 2006|12:53 am]
[mood |calmcalm]
[music |Blind Mellon - Change]

Blind Melon - Change

I don’t feel the suns comin’ out today
Its staying in, it’s gonna find another way.
As I sit here in this misery, I don’t
Think I’ll ever see the sun from here.

And oh as I fade away,
They’ll all look at me and say, and they’ll say,
Hey look at him! I’ll never live that way.
But that’s okay
They’re just afraid to change.

When you feel your life ain’t worth living
You’ve got to stand up and
Take a look around you then a look way up to the sky.
And when your deepest thoughts are broken,
Keep on dreaming boy, cause when you stop dreamin’ it’s time to die.

And as we all play parts of tomorrow,
Some ways will work and other ways we’ll play.
But I know we all can’t stay here forever,
So I want to write my words on the face of today.
And then they’ll paint it

And oh as I fade away,
They’ll all look at me and they’ll say,
Hey look at him and where he is these days.
When life is hard, you have to change.

I think this spring break thing is going to maim me a bit with new ideas. After all, if i don't take some initiative, i dont think i'll be doing anything this week.
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New Family member [Mar. 11th, 2006|11:27 pm]
[mood |draineddrained]
[music |Daft Punk - Around the World]

we have a new puppy. Wow. she is crazy...

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"...I can't help but feel responsible,i always knew that you were insane..." [Mar. 6th, 2006|04:36 pm]
[mood |busybusy]
[music |Dandy Warhols - Not If you Were The Last Junkie On Earth]

"truth, like art, is in the eye of the beholder. You believe what you choose and I'll believe what I know."

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"...An elegant mix of words and Tricks..." [Feb. 17th, 2006|10:58 am]
[mood |bouncyCat Dance!]
[music |The Shins - Caring is Creepy]

Cat! i'm a kitty cat and i Dance dance dance and i dance dance dance. Cat! i'M A kITTY CAT!

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Could you belive in heaven, if heaven was all you had? [Feb. 12th, 2006|03:29 am]
[mood |discontentdiscontent]
[music |The Smashing Pumpkins - Not Worth Asking]

Life has been running a flat line. Nothing fantastic, but nothing too horrible either; somewhere in the middle of lacadasical and nonexistant.

Right now, i'm looking for some sort of epiphany. A type of brilliant whim to give me strengh to accomplish what needs to be done and end melodrama that plagues my life. I can talk till my head spins or till i just drown to the background and fill the air with a "wha wha, wha whawha wha" and nothing would get accomplished. I need to walk into work tomorrow feeling good about where i'm going and how i'm going to get there.

I Need:

1) To schedual an appointment with _______
2) To confront _______
3) To stand up to _______
4) To find a new _______
5) To complete _______
6) To actually prepare for ________
7) To speak my _______
8) To find happiness with ________
9) To finish _______
10 )To confess ________

I know only I will udnerstand these because these are only things i can solve, so i don't expect answers or guesses or help. I was told today i looked miserable and was asked "why are you so angry?" and to be honest, i wouldn't be able to tell you. I've become bitter with my own discontent. I need a moral vacation. Even if it was just for one day.

<--Pick One -->
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The best begginning [Jan. 27th, 2006|09:46 am]
[mood |chipperchipper]
[music |AC/DC - ThunderStruck]

I woke up today feeling a bit grogy. Sleep wasn't working out so i goto the computer and put on some tunes. WOW....tunes....

AC/DC - Thunderstruck
8InchBetsy - Doomed
Rob Zombie - Never Gunna Stop
Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - Wail
SSION - Call Out The Lions
Toadies - Away
The Donnas - Rock &Roll Machine
Yeah Yeah Yeah's - Machine

My expectations for today are high and I'd really like to go see 8inchbetsy at Big Horse Lounge but damn my youngness...21+

Anyone wanna hook me up with a fake?
on another note... Who Would Win this Fight??? ThunderCats or Heman
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(no subject) [Jan. 18th, 2006|10:36 pm]
[mood |blahblah]
[music |Coolio - Gansta's Paradise]

  <-- Or --> 
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What Happen!? [Jan. 1st, 2006|03:37 pm]
[mood |curiouscurious]
[music |Gorrilaz - M1 A1]

Happy New Year. what an odd set of events. all little good alittle bad but I dont think i ever made such an ass out of myself in that kind of group of friends. Why couldn't have some one just put me on the floor? Pinch me, its just a dream. Good Night. And happy new year?
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(no subject) [Dec. 26th, 2005|01:48 pm]
[mood |relaxedrelaxed]
[music |Gay Against You - Hairy House]

So... Was it a merry chistmas?


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(no subject) [Dec. 23rd, 2005|01:34 am]
[mood |bouncybouncy]
[music |random techno]

my first night ever going to a dance club.... FANTASTIC only because of the company.

Pick one of gene's lies...

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