|a long time running
||[Apr. 20th, 2010|02:56 am]
i had to get my thoughts out. I dont like writing. I'm part of that new age that can only type, its sad.
AT the moment:
i've been working in the same place and doing the same thing for maybe 3-4 years now. my pay slightly increases with the years but has no real correlation to the time, effort, and responsibility i put in. I've recently been transfered to another location for reasons that arnt quite clear. I personaly feel i'm just THAT guy who could be moved without a fight. Ive been taken out of a place i felt comfortable, relaxed, welcomed, and valued and put into something that has the same job title but i'm talked to like if i was an idiot. I know my job VERY well and its an insult for these ppl to attempt to talk to me like i'm a new hire.
I would start to plan to quite but i really dont know where to go. i feel that losing seniority in a job i put so much time into is just a waste. I worked SO INCREDIBLY HARD to get where i am... rather WAS. I dont know what to do or where to go..
After 2+ years with heather im finally alone. All those times we argued and all the times we didnt still linger. Saddly its those times i loved her more than anything that keep pulling on my heart strings. Its been about a month now and she had already found herself a new boy friend. One lesser in my opinion but really i saw this coming. She cant be alone. Me on the other hand, i'm here dealing feelings i loath. jealousy betrayal heartache. the worst of it all is that i can always step outside myself and see this little ball of hate i have become and ask Why? why the hell am i so angry? she cheated on me 5 times in 2 years, most recently was about 4 months ago and i called it. Im a fool. i wish i could hate her. i cant believe i miss her so much sometimes. This, like most things, just takes time right? hopefully i can find some piece of mind in the near future, but for now i'm just that little ball.
Home has been irritating even though i'm not here as much. when i am, i am in my room vegetating. Escaping from my other responsibilities and feelings that plague me during the day. Lately i have no drive to go out anywhere or i always second guess myself, should i stay or should i go? My room is slowly moving to a constant chaos. It hasnt been clean for sometime. I dont put my bed back into a couch because i simply dont care. the furniture is a wreck. i have little thins that have no value to me strung about, stored randomly out of sight out of mind. somehow i'm waiting for that 1 piece to tie it all together and set it so i can use all the gifts i've gotten in the past years. For now, it just appears i am a slob and ungrateful.
Friends are still consistant. They are great ppl though the distance between me and THEM is increasing. The group that was in highschool together has no real place for me. they come they go, i can say hi or not and life could go on. I know they care, i know they would still back me with most things but the connection just seems weak and waning. Recently i found what heather to say about them somewhat true. Ridicule and chastisement can only go so far before someone takes it to heart. I know its a joke but really when is it enough? is there truth to it? why is it that i can still be constantly singled out amongst even the smallest of groups? Perhaps i'm too sensitive but who's to say. Its how they've been and how they will be.
School seems never ending. Everytime i commit to making myself proud of what i am doing something happens to my psyche and i lose motivation or simply get distracted. its not homework, its not difficult. i am simply lost and undecisive. I look around me, at others my age or ppl i might have grown up with and i can compare accomplishments. I have none to speak of that hold substantial merrit. I have no plaques i have to certificates, no degrees, no full time well paying job, no travel experience, no depth to my porfolio.
I simply dont know where i am going and even if i did have a destination, i wouldnt know how to get there or maintain it.
I AM LOST.